Child custody mediation gives parents a chance to resolve disagreements about a parenting plan for their children. In mediation, the parents have the help of an expert (a mediator) in resolving these disagreements. If the parents are able to work out an agreement, the mediator helps the parents write a parenting plan that may then become a custody and visitation order if it is signed by a judge.
The goals of mediation are to:
The following video describes the mediation and child custody recommending counseling court process, provides helpful information about parenting plans, and offers tips on how parents can reduce conflict and help their children adjust to the changes happening in their family.
The goals of mediation are to:
- Help you make a parenting plan that is in the best interest of your children.
- Help you make a parenting plan that lets your children spend time with both parents.
- Help you learn ways to deal with anger or resentment.
The following video describes the mediation and child custody recommending counseling court process, provides helpful information about parenting plans, and offers tips on how parents can reduce conflict and help their children adjust to the changes happening in their family.
- How to reduce custody-related conflict between parents
- How the court gets involved in custody and visitation
- Types of custody
- How to get or change a court order for custody or visitation
- How to fill out your court forms
- When and how to use a Request for Order
- Supervised Visitation providers
- How to reduce custody-related conflict between parents
- Remember: The way you and the other parent act affects your children.
Here are some tips on how to talk to each other: The State Administrative Office of the Court has videos for children, teens, and parents covering some of the issues involved in divorce and custody. See Families Change - Your Guide to Separation and Divorce.- Be polite, just like you would be at work. Do not use bad language or call each other names.
- Stay on the subject. Don’t talk about other issues.
- Focus on doing what is best for your child.
- Control your emotions, just like you would do at work. If you can’t stay in control, agree to talk at another time.
- Be clear and specific when you talk to the other parent. Write things down and keep businesslike records of your agreements and appointments. Do not change plans without first discussing the change with the other parent.
- To be sure each parent has the same information, write down what you have talked about and send a copy to the other parent.
- Keep your promises. Your children need to be able to trust and rely on you. This is very important right now.
- Do not talk about custody problems if one of you is under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.
- Do not talk about custody if the children are around.
- When you pick up or drop off the children to the other parent, say only "hello" and "good-bye".
- Do not send messages to the other parent with your child.
- Try to talk to teachers, doctors, or other involved professionals together. This can help resolve differences of opinion about what is best for your children.
- If the child is with you, you are responsible for the child’s daily care. But, do not make any important changes in the child's educational or medical care without first discussing it with the other parent.
- Above all, try to work with the other parent for the good of your children. Do this for your children's happiness and success in life. They will feel more comfortable and secure and know that you both cared enough about them to make their life free of conflict.
California law says that Judges must keep the “best interest” of your children in mind when deciding on custody. California laws have changed a lot in the last few years. Courts no longer automatically give custody to the mother instead of the father, even if your children are young.
Courts cannot deny your right to custody or visitation just because you were never married to the other parent, or because you or the other parent has a physical disability, or a different, or minority lifestyle, religious belief or sexual preference.
In most cases, parents can make their own agreements for custody and visitation. If you and the other parent agree on custody, the judge will probably approve your agreement. If you cannot agree, the judge will send you to mediation and a mediator will help you.
If you still cannot agree, you and the other parent will meet with the Judge to discuss your case again. This is called a Judicial Custody Conference (JCC). If you still do not agree, you will be ordered to go through an in-depth process called an Assessment. After the Assessment, the judge will decide your custody and visitation schedule.
Remember: the best plan is a plan that is good for your children. Change is hard for children. Research tells us that if both parents are active in their kids’ lives and do not fight over custody and visitation schedules, the children will usually do much better.
- Types of custody
There are two kinds of custody: legal and physical.
Legal custody
Legal custody means who makes the decisions about the children’s health, education and welfare. This includes deciding where the children go to school or whether they should get braces on their teeth.
If the parents share joint legal custody, both parents can ask schools and doctors for information about the children. It is important to be clear about who makes which decisions so that there is no disagreement later on.
Physical custody
Physical custody refers to the time the children spend with each parent on a regular basis. For example, the children may be with one parent on school days and the other on weekends plus a mid-week dinner visit. The parents can split the holidays and vacation periods.
Sometimes, if the parents live near each other and they get along as parents, the children go back and forth without an exact schedule. Most parents need a schedule.
Joint physical custody is a good choice for parents who can agree on a plan on their own or with a mediator’s help. It requires cooperation, flexibility and good communication between the parents.
Sometimes, a judge gives both parents joint legal custody, but not joint physical custody. This means both parents have equal responsibility for important decisions in the children’s lives. But, the children live with one parent most of the time. The parent who does not have physical custody usually has scheduled time with the children.
Tips to Prepare for Child Custody Mediation
Since the early 1980's, parents have increasingly used the process of divorce mediation to
help them resolve their differences and reduce the stress. Child custody mediation
is a process in which parents work together to develop a plan for parenting their children
after divorce with the help of a neutral 3rd party. In many states, the use of such mediation is
mandatory before parents can litigate custody issues.
The mediation process is one in which parents work together to devise a parenting plan that
is mutually acceptable to both parents. This parenting plan may be quite structured,
specifying the day-to-day time share of the children, as well as plans for holidays,
vacations, and other special issues of the family. By working together in mediation to
develop your parenting plan, you can avoid the battles which are so damaging in an
adversarial process, and you can include your children in the decision-making in a way that
empowers them in a healthy way.
When you use mediation and develop a parenting plan on your own, your children will be
able to avoid loyalty conflicts and are less likely to feel the stress of battling parents. When
your children are included in the decision-making process, they benefit because they can
express their feelings and know that you are listening to them. Mediation gives children a
much greater sense that they have a say in their life and a freedom to contribute to the
decisions that affect their life.
Courts that offer mediation services do their clients a big service. Research shows that
mediation can reduce litigation over custody. When parents participate in mediation, they
are likely to reach a settlement 60 to 70 % of the time. Parents are usually much more
satisfied with mediation than with litigation. Most important, however, if you use mediation,
you will have control over the parenting plan, whereas in adversarial litigation, the judge
determines how you will spend your time with your children. With the improved satisfaction,
the increased mutual decision-making, and the decreased hostility, mediation is clearly a
healthier alternative than litigation. For those parents who live in an area where courtconnected
mediation is not available, private mediation services are usually available and
are typically well worth the investment, especially in comparison to the alternative of
litigation. Remember that you will probably save money and have more control over the
outcome if you use mediation.
Approaching Your Mediation
First, approach your mediation with an open mind, willing to listen. Parents who are open
and listen to the mediator and their ex-spouse are the ones who are able to reach a
settlement and develop a mutually satisfactory parenting plan. Those who believe there is
only one solution to custody and visitation issues are usually fairly stubborn and generally
refuse to compromise. If you come prepared to be open, you can brainstorm options until
you find a solution that works for everyone, especially your children.
Next, come prepared with several options. Do your homework before mediation. Think
about and write out your proposals so that you can refer to them in the mediation session.
You won't want to forget to discuss something that is important to you in the mediation.
Make sure you understand your child's needs and stay focused on your child and his needs.
Be aware of the impact of conflict on your child.
Third, mediation is not the place to focus on the other parent. Mediation usually breaks
down when parents argue about the "he said - she said" issues between them. This is not a
place to re-hash your marital problems but a place to solve parenting problems after your
divorce. Communicate about your child and your perception of her needs. If you're
concerned about the other parent's anger, talk about your child's need for peace. If you're
concerned about the fact that the other parent lets your daughter stay up too late, talk
about her need for routine and structure. Be open to what you might need to change for
your child's benefit. Avoid character assassinations.
Finally, bring a sense of balance and humor. At times during mediation, things get tense.
Maintain a perspective that balances your desires, the other parent's desires, and your
child's needs. While this is your goal, it may not be easy. If things get tense, remember that
you're there for your children, not yourself. Remember that you don't have to like your exspouse
to make an agreement on behalf of your children. You just have to love them more
than you hate your ex-spouse. Take a brief time-out from the mediation session if
necessary. You may need several mediation sessions to reach a satisfactory settlement.
Listen to the mediator's advice and consider it. He'll most likely have your child's best
interests in mind, even if you and your ex-spouse can't agree on what that is. Recognize
that your mediator's job is to try and balance your child's needs and each of your desires.
He does this while encouraging you to reach a parenting solution. If nothing else works,
sometimes a humorous, but not rude, comment can break this tension, and help everyone
get back to work. While you will want to hold firm to your beliefs and values, remember that
there may be many ways to satisfy these beliefs. Be open to different ideas, keep working
to satisfy your goals, and be willing to compromise to reach a peaceful solution on behalf of
your children.
Do's and Don't's for Mediation
Do focus on your child's needs.
Don't focus on your needs.
Do think of custody as a separate issue relating only to what is best for your child.
Don't discuss child support or property when trying to resolve your parenting plan.
Do acknowledge your child's special needs according to her age, temperament, and
development.
Don't assume there is a standard plan that fits the needs of all children.
Do acknowledge the other parent's strengths and bring up only valid concerns about the
other parent's ability to care for your child.
Don't bad-mouth the other parent.
Do acknowledge that your child needs time with both of you, in a safe environment,
developed by a parenting plan.
Don't punish the other parent by withholding your children.
Do go to mediation prepared with:
A proposal for custody and a time-sharing plan
A calendar which identifies school holidays, your work schedule, your child's activities
A flexible and business-like attitude
Don't go to mediation unprepared.
Since the early 1980's, parents have increasingly used the process of divorce mediation to
help them resolve their differences and reduce the stress. Child custody mediation
is a process in which parents work together to develop a plan for parenting their children
after divorce with the help of a neutral 3rd party. In many states, the use of such mediation is
mandatory before parents can litigate custody issues.
The mediation process is one in which parents work together to devise a parenting plan that
is mutually acceptable to both parents. This parenting plan may be quite structured,
specifying the day-to-day time share of the children, as well as plans for holidays,
vacations, and other special issues of the family. By working together in mediation to
develop your parenting plan, you can avoid the battles which are so damaging in an
adversarial process, and you can include your children in the decision-making in a way that
empowers them in a healthy way.
When you use mediation and develop a parenting plan on your own, your children will be
able to avoid loyalty conflicts and are less likely to feel the stress of battling parents. When
your children are included in the decision-making process, they benefit because they can
express their feelings and know that you are listening to them. Mediation gives children a
much greater sense that they have a say in their life and a freedom to contribute to the
decisions that affect their life.
Courts that offer mediation services do their clients a big service. Research shows that
mediation can reduce litigation over custody. When parents participate in mediation, they
are likely to reach a settlement 60 to 70 % of the time. Parents are usually much more
satisfied with mediation than with litigation. Most important, however, if you use mediation,
you will have control over the parenting plan, whereas in adversarial litigation, the judge
determines how you will spend your time with your children. With the improved satisfaction,
the increased mutual decision-making, and the decreased hostility, mediation is clearly a
healthier alternative than litigation. For those parents who live in an area where courtconnected
mediation is not available, private mediation services are usually available and
are typically well worth the investment, especially in comparison to the alternative of
litigation. Remember that you will probably save money and have more control over the
outcome if you use mediation.
Approaching Your Mediation
First, approach your mediation with an open mind, willing to listen. Parents who are open
and listen to the mediator and their ex-spouse are the ones who are able to reach a
settlement and develop a mutually satisfactory parenting plan. Those who believe there is
only one solution to custody and visitation issues are usually fairly stubborn and generally
refuse to compromise. If you come prepared to be open, you can brainstorm options until
you find a solution that works for everyone, especially your children.
Next, come prepared with several options. Do your homework before mediation. Think
about and write out your proposals so that you can refer to them in the mediation session.
You won't want to forget to discuss something that is important to you in the mediation.
Make sure you understand your child's needs and stay focused on your child and his needs.
Be aware of the impact of conflict on your child.
Third, mediation is not the place to focus on the other parent. Mediation usually breaks
down when parents argue about the "he said - she said" issues between them. This is not a
place to re-hash your marital problems but a place to solve parenting problems after your
divorce. Communicate about your child and your perception of her needs. If you're
concerned about the other parent's anger, talk about your child's need for peace. If you're
concerned about the fact that the other parent lets your daughter stay up too late, talk
about her need for routine and structure. Be open to what you might need to change for
your child's benefit. Avoid character assassinations.
Finally, bring a sense of balance and humor. At times during mediation, things get tense.
Maintain a perspective that balances your desires, the other parent's desires, and your
child's needs. While this is your goal, it may not be easy. If things get tense, remember that
you're there for your children, not yourself. Remember that you don't have to like your exspouse
to make an agreement on behalf of your children. You just have to love them more
than you hate your ex-spouse. Take a brief time-out from the mediation session if
necessary. You may need several mediation sessions to reach a satisfactory settlement.
Listen to the mediator's advice and consider it. He'll most likely have your child's best
interests in mind, even if you and your ex-spouse can't agree on what that is. Recognize
that your mediator's job is to try and balance your child's needs and each of your desires.
He does this while encouraging you to reach a parenting solution. If nothing else works,
sometimes a humorous, but not rude, comment can break this tension, and help everyone
get back to work. While you will want to hold firm to your beliefs and values, remember that
there may be many ways to satisfy these beliefs. Be open to different ideas, keep working
to satisfy your goals, and be willing to compromise to reach a peaceful solution on behalf of
your children.
Do's and Don't's for Mediation
Do focus on your child's needs.
Don't focus on your needs.
Do think of custody as a separate issue relating only to what is best for your child.
Don't discuss child support or property when trying to resolve your parenting plan.
Do acknowledge your child's special needs according to her age, temperament, and
development.
Don't assume there is a standard plan that fits the needs of all children.
Do acknowledge the other parent's strengths and bring up only valid concerns about the
other parent's ability to care for your child.
Don't bad-mouth the other parent.
Do acknowledge that your child needs time with both of you, in a safe environment,
developed by a parenting plan.
Don't punish the other parent by withholding your children.
Do go to mediation prepared with:
A proposal for custody and a time-sharing plan
A calendar which identifies school holidays, your work schedule, your child's activities
A flexible and business-like attitude
Don't go to mediation unprepared.
Books and Guides for Parents
Parenting after Seperation and Divorce
https://pas.familieschange.ca.gov/sites/all/themes/opas2/assets/docs/PAS-EN-Handbook.pdf
A Quick Reference Guide to the California Offices of the Family Law Facilitator
Published by the Judicial Council of California.
Sacramento County Public Law Library Legal Guides
This site has a list of books on family law and other legal topics.
Good Parenting Through Your Divorce: The Essential Guidebook to Helping Your Children Adjust and Thrive: Based on the National Learning Program
Mary Ellen Hannibal Marlowe, 2007
This book touches on several helpful and informative topics such as how to recognize, cultivate, and respond to your child’s feelings; how divorce affects your child’s development; how to support your child’s expressive self; the challenge of behavior and discipline; the dos and don’ts of shared parenting; understanding and managing negative reactions; guidelines for developing positive emotional habits and lastly how to manage communication with your co-parent.
How to Talk to your Children about Divorce.
Jones-Soderman, Jill. Family Mediation Center Publishing Co., 2006.
Learning from Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On
La Crosse, E. Robert, and Christine A. Coates.Jossey-Bass, 2003.
Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust
Nicholas Long and Rex Forehand (2002) Contemporary Books.
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child
Isolina Ricci Fireside, 2006
Guides separated, divorced, and remarried parents through the hassles and confusions of setting up a strong, working relationship with the ex-spouse in order to make two loving homes for the kids. Includes emotional and legal tools, as well as many reference materials and resources.
Putting Children First: A Guide for Parents Breaking Up
McDonough, H., and C. Bartha. University of Toronto Press, 1999.
Stop! In the Name of Love for Your Children: A Guide to Healthy Divorce
Risa Garon Children of Separation and Divorce Centre Inc., 2000
This book deals with important issues relating to divorce including a child and family focused decision-making model and how professionals work with this model with both parents and children.
Surviving Your Divorce
Cochrane, M.John Wiley & Sons, 2006.
Talking to Children about Separation and Divorce: A Handbook for Parents
Risa Garon and Barbara Mandell Children of Separation and Divorce Centre Inc; National Family Resiliency Center, 2005
This book provides a roadmap through the challenges of supporting children through family change. Practical strategies in each chapter offer parents concrete suggestions for nurturing and guiding youngsters while building positive family relationships.
The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce
Elizabeth Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman (2001) New Harbinger Publications
The Divorce Book: A Practical and Compassionate Guide (2nd ed.)
McKay, Matthew, Peter Rogers, and Joan Blades..New Harbinger Publications, 1999.
The Truth About Children & Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions so You and Your Children Can Thrive
Robert E. Emery (2004) Viking Adult
What About the Children: A Guide for Divorced/Separating and Divorcing Parents
Jack Arbuthnot and Donald Gordon Centre for Divorce Education, Athens Ohio, 2001
A parent guide to the various aspects of separation and divorce: single parenting, long distance parenting, parenting plans and what helps children adjust.
What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce
Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee (2003) Hyperion
Working with Children on Divorce: A teacher’s and counselor’s manual for children in the middle: children’s version
Jack Arbuthnot, and Donald A. Gordon (2005)
Resources for educators to help both parents and children especially get through the divorce process and make it easier in terms of dealing with the divorce trauma and shock.
Books for Teens
Here are some useful books that you can ask for at your library or book store.
Changing Families: A Guide for Kids and Grown-Ups
Fassler, David, Michele Lash, and Sally B. Ives.Waterfront Books, 1988.
Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Too Afraid to Ask – About Divorce
Schneider, Meg F., J. Offerman-Zuckerberg, and J. Zuckerberg (contributor)Fireside, 1996.
Divorce Happens to the Nicest Kids: A Self Help Book for Kids
Michael S. Prokop (1996) Alegra House
For ages 9-12. Explanations of the common issues faced by this age group when their parents divorce or separate.
Divorce is Not the End of the World: Zoe and Evan’s Coping Guide
Ellen Sue Stern, Zoe Stern & Evan Stern (1997) Tricycle Press
For ages 9-15. Feelings of guilt and anger. Dealing with living in two homes and avoiding manipulation by parents. Talking to friends and parents and dealing with parent’s new relationships, step-parents, and step-siblings.
For Better, For Worse: A Guide to Surviving Divorce for Preteens and Their Families
Janet Bode and Stan Mack. (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2001.)
Grace and Family
Hoffman, M., and C. Binch. F. Lincoln, 1997.
Help! A Girl’s Guide to Divorce and Stepfamilies
American Girl Library. (Middleton, Wisconsin: Pleasant Company, 1999.)
How It Feels When Parents Divorce
Jill Krementz Alfred A Knopf, 2006
In this immensely moving book, nineteen boys and girls, from seven to sixteen years old and from highly diverse backgrounds, share with us their deepest feelings about their parents’ divorce.
How to Survive Your Parents’ Divorce
Nancy O’Keefe Bolick (1995) Franklin Watts
For ages 12-16. Interviews with teens whose parents have divorced or separated. Comments and advice based on the interviews.
It’s Not the End of the World
Blume, Judy Yearling Books, 1986
Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two
Isolina Ricci Fireside, 2006
“Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids,” is an inside view of separation, divorce, and forming a stepfamily. It is primarily for children 10 and older to read along or with their parents.
Pre-teen Pressures: Divorce
Goldentyer, D. Steck-Vaughn Company, 1998.
Snowman: A kid’s guide to coming to terms with separation and divorce
Risa J. Garon Children of Separation and Divorce Center Inc., 2000
This book is a companion to “A Kids’ Guide to Coming to Terms with Separation and Divorce, Part II”, which is directed to a more advanced reader. Younger readers may want to read the companion book with a more experienced reader.
Surviving Divorce: A Student’s Companion to Children in the Middle II
Donald A. Gordon and Jack Arbuthnot Center for Divorce Education, 2005
This booklet is a resource in dealing with topics such as you and your family, some myths and truths about divorce, how divorce makes you feel, asking for help, getting on with your life and many other excellent discussions.
Surviving High School
Mike Riera. Celestial Arts Publishing, 1997.
Mike Riera, who has worked with students for over nineteen years, speaks directly to students about the situations and changes they will face both during and immediately after high school. Interspersed with the author’s down-to-earth, practical guidance are the words of teens who offer their own points of view and experiences.
Teens and Divorce
Gail B. Stewart. (Greenhaven Press, 2000.)
Teens with Single Parents: Why Me?
Margaret A. Shultz (Enslow, 1997.)
The Divorce Helpbook for Teens
Cynthia MacGregor – (2004) Impact Publishers
Deals with questions: Why do parents get divorced? How will the divorce change our lives? What can I do to feel less depressed? Who can I talk to about my problems? What’s going to happen next? How do you tell absent parents that they do not visit enough? How do you say “no” to parents who want you to carry messages to, or spy on, the other parent? What is there to talk about when you visit a parent who’s moved away?
The Divorce Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Move Beyond the Break Up
(Instant Help Books, 2008)
What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce?: A Survival Guide for Kids
Roberta Beyer and Kent Winchester Free Spirit Publishing, 2001
Aimed at children ages 7-12, this guide explains divorce, new living arrangements, and other basics to help children understand what’s happening in their lives. With honesty simplicity, and authors help children realize that divorce isn’t their fault, strong emotions are okay, and families can survive difficult changes.
When Your Parents Split Up...How to Keep Yourself Together
Alys Swan Shultz. (Enslow, 1997.)
These titles are provided for your convenience only. The Judicial Branch of California does not endorse them and is not responsible for their content.
Books for Children
A Separation in My Family
Wendy Deaton Hunter House, 1994
An excellent resource for kids to go through and draw different things about their experiences. A very creative, child friendly program designed for use with elementary school children, filled with original understanding, and optimal growth.
At Daddy’s House on Saturdays
Girard, L. Albert Whitman, 1991.
Dinosaurs Divorce
Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown Little, Brown and Company, 1986
Dinosaurs Divorce, written for children, will help them understand: divorce words and what they mean, why parents divorce, living with one parent, visiting their parent and many more helpful ideas that make the process easier.
I Don’t Want to Talk About It
Jeanie Franz Ransom & Kathy Kunz Finney (2000) Magination Press
For ages 4-8. Dealing with feelings.
It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read Together Book for Parents and Young Children during Divorce –
Vickie Lansky (1998) Book Peddlers
For ages 3-7. What divorce means, dealing with changes and recognizing and dealing with feelings.Divorce is not the child’s fault. Tips for parents on each page.
Let’s Talk About It: Divorce
Fred Rogers Penguin Putnam Books, 1996
Mister Rogers does a great job of calmly explaining the difficult situation to young kids in simple words, and helping them understand the scary situation they are in.
Mama and Daddy Bear’s Divorce
Cornelia Maude Spelman & Kathy Parkinson (1998) Albert Whitman & Company
For ages 3-6. Some things will change, but a lot will stay the same. Children do not cause divorce, and they cannot do anything to stop it. Life goes on, and eventually things will be okay again.
Mom and Dad Don’t Live Together Anymore
Stinson, Kathy and Nancy Lou Reynolds (illus.). Firefly Books, 1988.
My Family’s Changing: A First Look at Family Breakup
Thomas, P. Barron’s Educational Series, 1999.
My Parents are Divorced, Too: A Book for Kids by Kids.
Ford, M. Magination Press Division, 1997.
The Divorce Workbook for Children
Lisa M.Schab Instant Help Books, 2008
Children of divorced parents will benefit from caring, friendly activities in this book. While children may sometimes not show apparent signs of the stress of a divorce, the strain it places on them is very real and, left undealt with, can develop into serious problems in years to come.
The Family Circus
Becky McNeely and Don Gordon Tishomingo County Families First Resource Centre, 2004
Based on Children in the Middle by Jack Arbuthnot and Donald Gordon, this illustrated booklet is designed for children.
Two Homes
Claire Masurel & Kady Denton (2003) Candlewick
For ages 2-5. Reassurances about having two homes after divorce or separation.
What Can I Do? : A Book for Children of Divorce
Lowry, Danielle Magination Press, 2001.
Parenting after Seperation and Divorce
https://pas.familieschange.ca.gov/sites/all/themes/opas2/assets/docs/PAS-EN-Handbook.pdf
A Quick Reference Guide to the California Offices of the Family Law Facilitator
Published by the Judicial Council of California.
Sacramento County Public Law Library Legal Guides
This site has a list of books on family law and other legal topics.
Good Parenting Through Your Divorce: The Essential Guidebook to Helping Your Children Adjust and Thrive: Based on the National Learning Program
Mary Ellen Hannibal Marlowe, 2007
This book touches on several helpful and informative topics such as how to recognize, cultivate, and respond to your child’s feelings; how divorce affects your child’s development; how to support your child’s expressive self; the challenge of behavior and discipline; the dos and don’ts of shared parenting; understanding and managing negative reactions; guidelines for developing positive emotional habits and lastly how to manage communication with your co-parent.
How to Talk to your Children about Divorce.
Jones-Soderman, Jill. Family Mediation Center Publishing Co., 2006.
Learning from Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On
La Crosse, E. Robert, and Christine A. Coates.Jossey-Bass, 2003.
Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust
Nicholas Long and Rex Forehand (2002) Contemporary Books.
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child
Isolina Ricci Fireside, 2006
Guides separated, divorced, and remarried parents through the hassles and confusions of setting up a strong, working relationship with the ex-spouse in order to make two loving homes for the kids. Includes emotional and legal tools, as well as many reference materials and resources.
Putting Children First: A Guide for Parents Breaking Up
McDonough, H., and C. Bartha. University of Toronto Press, 1999.
Stop! In the Name of Love for Your Children: A Guide to Healthy Divorce
Risa Garon Children of Separation and Divorce Centre Inc., 2000
This book deals with important issues relating to divorce including a child and family focused decision-making model and how professionals work with this model with both parents and children.
Surviving Your Divorce
Cochrane, M.John Wiley & Sons, 2006.
Talking to Children about Separation and Divorce: A Handbook for Parents
Risa Garon and Barbara Mandell Children of Separation and Divorce Centre Inc; National Family Resiliency Center, 2005
This book provides a roadmap through the challenges of supporting children through family change. Practical strategies in each chapter offer parents concrete suggestions for nurturing and guiding youngsters while building positive family relationships.
The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce
Elizabeth Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman (2001) New Harbinger Publications
The Divorce Book: A Practical and Compassionate Guide (2nd ed.)
McKay, Matthew, Peter Rogers, and Joan Blades..New Harbinger Publications, 1999.
The Truth About Children & Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions so You and Your Children Can Thrive
Robert E. Emery (2004) Viking Adult
What About the Children: A Guide for Divorced/Separating and Divorcing Parents
Jack Arbuthnot and Donald Gordon Centre for Divorce Education, Athens Ohio, 2001
A parent guide to the various aspects of separation and divorce: single parenting, long distance parenting, parenting plans and what helps children adjust.
What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce
Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee (2003) Hyperion
Working with Children on Divorce: A teacher’s and counselor’s manual for children in the middle: children’s version
Jack Arbuthnot, and Donald A. Gordon (2005)
Resources for educators to help both parents and children especially get through the divorce process and make it easier in terms of dealing with the divorce trauma and shock.
Books for Teens
Here are some useful books that you can ask for at your library or book store.
Changing Families: A Guide for Kids and Grown-Ups
Fassler, David, Michele Lash, and Sally B. Ives.Waterfront Books, 1988.
Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Too Afraid to Ask – About Divorce
Schneider, Meg F., J. Offerman-Zuckerberg, and J. Zuckerberg (contributor)Fireside, 1996.
Divorce Happens to the Nicest Kids: A Self Help Book for Kids
Michael S. Prokop (1996) Alegra House
For ages 9-12. Explanations of the common issues faced by this age group when their parents divorce or separate.
Divorce is Not the End of the World: Zoe and Evan’s Coping Guide
Ellen Sue Stern, Zoe Stern & Evan Stern (1997) Tricycle Press
For ages 9-15. Feelings of guilt and anger. Dealing with living in two homes and avoiding manipulation by parents. Talking to friends and parents and dealing with parent’s new relationships, step-parents, and step-siblings.
For Better, For Worse: A Guide to Surviving Divorce for Preteens and Their Families
Janet Bode and Stan Mack. (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2001.)
Grace and Family
Hoffman, M., and C. Binch. F. Lincoln, 1997.
Help! A Girl’s Guide to Divorce and Stepfamilies
American Girl Library. (Middleton, Wisconsin: Pleasant Company, 1999.)
How It Feels When Parents Divorce
Jill Krementz Alfred A Knopf, 2006
In this immensely moving book, nineteen boys and girls, from seven to sixteen years old and from highly diverse backgrounds, share with us their deepest feelings about their parents’ divorce.
How to Survive Your Parents’ Divorce
Nancy O’Keefe Bolick (1995) Franklin Watts
For ages 12-16. Interviews with teens whose parents have divorced or separated. Comments and advice based on the interviews.
It’s Not the End of the World
Blume, Judy Yearling Books, 1986
Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two
Isolina Ricci Fireside, 2006
“Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids,” is an inside view of separation, divorce, and forming a stepfamily. It is primarily for children 10 and older to read along or with their parents.
Pre-teen Pressures: Divorce
Goldentyer, D. Steck-Vaughn Company, 1998.
Snowman: A kid’s guide to coming to terms with separation and divorce
Risa J. Garon Children of Separation and Divorce Center Inc., 2000
This book is a companion to “A Kids’ Guide to Coming to Terms with Separation and Divorce, Part II”, which is directed to a more advanced reader. Younger readers may want to read the companion book with a more experienced reader.
Surviving Divorce: A Student’s Companion to Children in the Middle II
Donald A. Gordon and Jack Arbuthnot Center for Divorce Education, 2005
This booklet is a resource in dealing with topics such as you and your family, some myths and truths about divorce, how divorce makes you feel, asking for help, getting on with your life and many other excellent discussions.
Surviving High School
Mike Riera. Celestial Arts Publishing, 1997.
Mike Riera, who has worked with students for over nineteen years, speaks directly to students about the situations and changes they will face both during and immediately after high school. Interspersed with the author’s down-to-earth, practical guidance are the words of teens who offer their own points of view and experiences.
Teens and Divorce
Gail B. Stewart. (Greenhaven Press, 2000.)
Teens with Single Parents: Why Me?
Margaret A. Shultz (Enslow, 1997.)
The Divorce Helpbook for Teens
Cynthia MacGregor – (2004) Impact Publishers
Deals with questions: Why do parents get divorced? How will the divorce change our lives? What can I do to feel less depressed? Who can I talk to about my problems? What’s going to happen next? How do you tell absent parents that they do not visit enough? How do you say “no” to parents who want you to carry messages to, or spy on, the other parent? What is there to talk about when you visit a parent who’s moved away?
The Divorce Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Move Beyond the Break Up
(Instant Help Books, 2008)
What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce?: A Survival Guide for Kids
Roberta Beyer and Kent Winchester Free Spirit Publishing, 2001
Aimed at children ages 7-12, this guide explains divorce, new living arrangements, and other basics to help children understand what’s happening in their lives. With honesty simplicity, and authors help children realize that divorce isn’t their fault, strong emotions are okay, and families can survive difficult changes.
When Your Parents Split Up...How to Keep Yourself Together
Alys Swan Shultz. (Enslow, 1997.)
These titles are provided for your convenience only. The Judicial Branch of California does not endorse them and is not responsible for their content.
Books for Children
A Separation in My Family
Wendy Deaton Hunter House, 1994
An excellent resource for kids to go through and draw different things about their experiences. A very creative, child friendly program designed for use with elementary school children, filled with original understanding, and optimal growth.
At Daddy’s House on Saturdays
Girard, L. Albert Whitman, 1991.
Dinosaurs Divorce
Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown Little, Brown and Company, 1986
Dinosaurs Divorce, written for children, will help them understand: divorce words and what they mean, why parents divorce, living with one parent, visiting their parent and many more helpful ideas that make the process easier.
I Don’t Want to Talk About It
Jeanie Franz Ransom & Kathy Kunz Finney (2000) Magination Press
For ages 4-8. Dealing with feelings.
It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read Together Book for Parents and Young Children during Divorce –
Vickie Lansky (1998) Book Peddlers
For ages 3-7. What divorce means, dealing with changes and recognizing and dealing with feelings.Divorce is not the child’s fault. Tips for parents on each page.
Let’s Talk About It: Divorce
Fred Rogers Penguin Putnam Books, 1996
Mister Rogers does a great job of calmly explaining the difficult situation to young kids in simple words, and helping them understand the scary situation they are in.
Mama and Daddy Bear’s Divorce
Cornelia Maude Spelman & Kathy Parkinson (1998) Albert Whitman & Company
For ages 3-6. Some things will change, but a lot will stay the same. Children do not cause divorce, and they cannot do anything to stop it. Life goes on, and eventually things will be okay again.
Mom and Dad Don’t Live Together Anymore
Stinson, Kathy and Nancy Lou Reynolds (illus.). Firefly Books, 1988.
My Family’s Changing: A First Look at Family Breakup
Thomas, P. Barron’s Educational Series, 1999.
My Parents are Divorced, Too: A Book for Kids by Kids.
Ford, M. Magination Press Division, 1997.
The Divorce Workbook for Children
Lisa M.Schab Instant Help Books, 2008
Children of divorced parents will benefit from caring, friendly activities in this book. While children may sometimes not show apparent signs of the stress of a divorce, the strain it places on them is very real and, left undealt with, can develop into serious problems in years to come.
The Family Circus
Becky McNeely and Don Gordon Tishomingo County Families First Resource Centre, 2004
Based on Children in the Middle by Jack Arbuthnot and Donald Gordon, this illustrated booklet is designed for children.
Two Homes
Claire Masurel & Kady Denton (2003) Candlewick
For ages 2-5. Reassurances about having two homes after divorce or separation.
What Can I Do? : A Book for Children of Divorce
Lowry, Danielle Magination Press, 2001.
Darlene Tarnoski, Professional Mediator & Paralegal
AFFORDABLE MEDIATION & PARALEGAL SERVICES
Riverside County
951-440-5645
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818-945-9333
Orange County
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San Diego County
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San Bernardino County
951-440-5645
AFFORDABLE MEDIATION & PARALEGAL SERVICES
Riverside County
951-440-5645
Glendale/ Los Angeles County
818-945-9333
Orange County
714-710-3400
San Diego County
858-365-0555
San Bernardino County
951-440-5645
